Consider Me..

I'm not the girl that could be on the cover of a magazine.

I'm not the girl that is good at everything.

I'm not the girl that knows how to flirt and make you look my way.

But consider me because maybe I'm something you don't know you need..

Consider me because maybe I'm better than you think..

Consider me because maybe I'm that girl in disguise just waiting for my Prince Charming to arrive..

Everything You're Not..!

"You're not worth the Time that this is taking..!"

Do you know what would be really nice for a change..?

For my ex to grow up a bit and answer a simple question for me.

He is incapable of that kind of maturity though, so I'm just done.

But really.. Is it too much to ask him "why he is set on hating me?" When I have no clue what I could have done to him that is worse than anything he has done to me in the past. My point is not to point this out and be a Bitch about it, far from it actually. As far as I knew we were good after the Fall Out Boy concert I was nice enough to take him to, the one where he was running low on money so I didn't even ask him to pay me back for the hotel room, yet somehow I pissed him off and have gotten nothing but hatred from him since then.. Confusion does not suit me well so all I want is some sort of clear cut reasoning behind his attitude. I must have done something because if he was indifferent to me, there would be no need for this tension he is creating.

Ugh.

I know, I know.. This kind of talk makes it seem like I'm still hung up on him, but I truthfully do not want him back.. After this ordeal, He has shown his true colors and I don't like them.

"(He's) not worth it, (He) doesn't deserve it.. &

All I really, All I really want.. Is everything (he's) Not..!"

Through our differences, Similarities are found.

Jesse - Eldest sibling in My Sister's Keeper, Delinquent, Misunderstood, Unseen, Seen too clear.

Chelsey - Eldest sibling, Perfectionist, Misunderstood, Seen, Not seen clear enough.

Yes, I'm a self-proclaimed perfectionist. This to me is similar to being a delinquent because while a delinquent (Jesse in particular) uses destruction of physical property to oppose the lack of control they have for most situations in their family life, I (as a perfectionist) try to control many aspects of my life specifically academics simply to mask the fact that I feel so much lack of control as far as my family dynamics go.. There is so much I want to fix to make my family "better," "happier" but I can never make progress so I turn to other things that I can control and look for perfection because if I can perfect everything else in my life maybe the family stuff will just fall into place too..

Although Jesse is not really seen by his family on a day-to-day basis, the trouble he gets himself into makes him become too apparent in the eyes of his parents because he only gets the attention for his mistakes.. Whereas my family is up-to-date on all my accomplishments, often brag too much about them, but even though I get so much attention from them, none of them really know me for me. They only get the one side of me, the achieving side. They don't see what I go through on a daily basis to achieve what I achieve. How hard it is for me to get things done and the reasons I do what I do how I do it.

"He feels like if he can't fix it, he must destroy something else..."

Unknown Mold..?

Sometimes it feels as if there is this invisible mold that I was placed into from birth. As I grow, I learn more and more about this mold like the procrastination and [tendency] to disobey my parents. It's like my way of going through the world has already been predetermined and even though there are moments when I want to break through, there are always questions and doubts following my "mold-breaking" actions so I eventually end up taking the easy road to avoid all that. For example, I get an assignment done extremely early, Everyone acts like it's a miracle or something and it just makes me feel awkward about doing the work earlier than normal. I hate that that's how I feel, but there has never been a time when I haven't. Along with that, let's say I decide to help with laundry one day without being asked.. I get attacked with questions like "What did you do that for? You want something, right?," "Are you the real Chelsey or some sort of fake?," or "How much did you pay your sisters to give you the credit?" It's so frustrating to me. Why can't I just do something out of the ordinary just to do something..?! Does everything I do to break this set mold have to be unreal or a one time thing? Why can't I change my mold? I want to change. I hate this mold I've been put in. I don't want to be this person anymore..! How do I change?!

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired! That is all..
<--Chels.

Some people...!

Its easier for me to hold on when I want to let go, It's as simple as that.

I don't want input on how you think I think and why thats wrong if I don't ask for it.

I'm sorry that you think I'm still obsessed with my ex (which if you actually talked to me instead of assuming, you would know thats not the truth), but is it really your business? Is it really your problem? Is your input really needed? Let's answer all those questions at the same time: No!

Yes, I think its stupid that I wasted so much time still thinking about Cody, but it was my process and my business, I have to deal with the consequences now and I don't need people re-pointing this out to me when they don't even know where I am at in life. They just assume they know through Myspace statuses, but I clearly recall that same person tricking everyone just to show that you can't believe (or read into) anything you read on the internet... Hmm.. Exactly, the girl has a point doesn't she! Wow, sorry I liked a quote about a break-up, didn't know that was a crime.. Next time, just alert the Fucking police!

I'm like a bird, I wanna fly away.

Tonight, it was officially not mine.

Now that my best friend is attending my university, my ties to Rock Falls have been severed. While driving Abby home form Star Trek (amazing, by the way), it felt awkward and almost wrong like I should have been in Davenport instead. I'm over this town and the people in it. My only friends here simply reside in town for the summer. No one in Rock Falls cares about little ol' Chelsey anymore, it's over: the life I pictured here is long gone now because this town could not possibly be my hometown any longer. College needs to start a.s.a.p so that I can be far away from here and get started on that new chapter in my life, which should have begun last year... But me being the "freak" that I am, I allowed this life in Rock Falls to consume my mind while in Davenport.