yup, thats how I roll..

Wow! Its official.. I'm a masochist [just like Edward Cullen except I do not get the pleasure of having a hot guy still wanting me despite the fact I could kill him.] You would think I could just stop myself from reading the bastard's bulletins all over myspace once they start getting to me (you know hurting my heart and good stuff like that..), but No! I have to continue with the pain.. and this is not the physical pain that I have learned to love because it can mask the emotional, this was the physically emotional kind of pain.. of course, the worst kind is what I tend to "encourage" :(

Today, he went on about liking this girl who doesn't like him back and he thought he was over her, but found out he was mistaken.. oh Boo-Hoo! Try taking a walk in these shoes for a day, see how much of a sting that is after that. I mean then there are these questions like has your heart ever been broken? and he says yeah, kinda but she didn't know she broke it.. WHAT THE HELL?! You have NO IDEA what having your heartbroken feels like Mister DoucheBag! You put me through hell and you think you know how that kind of hurt feels, ummm... NO!!

And to think that my heart still jumps every time a question about an ex comes up, wondering whether or not he would want me back then realizing I am not his last ex that stupid rebound of his was... I mean he is so ashamed of the girl now that he refuses to put her name down for anything.. Wow! What a Douche! Grrr... this stuff pisses me off so much, but still I read his statuses and bulletins wanting him back.. How retarded am I?! Oh I can answer that, EXTREMELY!! 

I mean I gave him my all and he never even said sorry. In a way, all I want is to know he cares, but I truly don't think he does and you don't know how much that hurts a person.. (and if you do, I know for a fact he doesn't) Is it better for me to live in denial if it makes my heart feel better? Is it wrong for me to want the guy I loved with my whole heart to care about me? Just tell me if it is, it won't stop me now, but maybe someday... Its all so frustrating and instead of trying to leave it behind, I look for it.. I still want to know what he is up to, if his major is going to be the same, if he is getting good grades in school, etc.. because thats what I do, I care.